Communicating Effectively In Your Relationship

Many disagreements in a marriage are due to a misunderstanding. Ineffective communication creates confusion and can often lead to a defensive reaction from your partner. Learning how to share your thoughts and feelings in a way that is clear and effective can reduce a lot of conflict. Practicing positive ways to communicate helps people share their thoughts and feelings without attacking their partner. Communicating effectively proves to be a very useful skill in any relationship.

Communication skills are not usually officially taught. Instead, most people learn by observing others and figuring out what works by trial and error. For people who grew up in a home with a lot of dysfunctional communication or for people with a history of unhealthy relationships
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learning how to effectively communicate can be difficult.

When communicating, whether it is about what to have for dinner or what you think about politics, there are some ways to share your feelings and opinions that can help you communicate more clearly. The first step in clear communication is sharing an observation. An observation is a statement about the situation without inputting your opinion or judgment. For example, state, "I noticed the bank account has $500 in it today."

Next, share your thoughts. What do you think about the observation that you made. For example, "I think we won't have enough money to cover the bills for the rest of the month." A lot of people jump over the thinking step and want to share their feelings immediately. However, sharing what you think is an important step.

Next, share your feelings. For example, "I feel nervous when our account gets so low and we still have some bills to pay before we get paid again." Using an "I" statement is more effective than using a "you" statement. For example, stating "you make me so mad because you spend so much money" has a completely different tone than "I feel upset that we are low on money." Take responsibility for your own feelings.

Lastly, share what you need. This is important so that your partner knows exactly what you are looking for. Do you just want to be heard? Do you need some help developing a plan? Or do you need your partner to do something. For example, state, "I need to work on a budget with you so we can figure out how to make sure we can afford our payments" clearly shows what you are looking for.

Try to ensure your tone of voice is welcoming while engaging in a discussion. Yelling or using harsh tones distracts from the message. Try to remain calm so that the content of what you are saying is able to be heard.

If you are too upset to be able to communicate calmly, try taking a break prior to starting the conversation. Find ways to help calm yourself down. The angrier you feel the more difficult it is to communicate your feelings and needs effectively.

Pay attention to body language as well. Much of what is communicated is communicated through non-verbal means. If your voice sounds warm and inviting but your body language communicates differently, your partner will notice. Keep eye contact and show that you are listening.

Remember that communicating involves listening just as much as talking. Avoid interrupting your partner when he responds to you. Try to really listen to what he is saying. Often, people are too busy planning what they want to say next to really hear what the other person is saying.

Ask for clarification and repeat what you think you heard your partner say. For example, responding by saying, "what I hear you saying is that you would like me to stay home today and work on a budget with you instead of going to my mother's house." Often, what you think your partner means may not be what he meant and clarification can help resolve this issue.

Learning how to effectively share your observations, thoughts, feelings, and needs can help improve any relationship. Learning to listen and respond to your partner in respectful ways can reduce a lot of disagreements and arguments. Clarification helps to ensure that you and your partner have the same intentions.

Effective communication takes practice. Learning how to express yourself may be difficult if you've developed some bad habits. Don't expect immediate changes and be willing to keep trying. If you and your partner struggle to be able to communicate with one another effectively, consider seeking help.

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